Update - 2

Hey ya'll hope ya'll all well ya'll.
ya'll.

This post isn't really much but rather a quick one just to really ask for post ideas or if there's any at all you'd like to see me write.

I have a view planned but yeah it was a genuine curious post to ask about posts!
Despite my creativity (apparently I can be creative?) I'm sure some of you more experienced bloggers have some fantastic ideas. Please note, I'm not asking to steal any unique ideas, it's more of a reminder of the popular ones e.g. Room Tour blah blah and general advice.

I shall be posting a Pick Me Up Tues/Weds (Sorry I missed last weeks, didn't feel up to it sad face) and I am venturing to Paris on Friday so busy busy.

Love ya'll!

Bye ya'll!




Productivity

Something that has been brought to my attention recently by friends and people online is a thought or emotion that many of us have probably experienced in our life; especially those who have lost their mobility and find themselves bedbound or housebound due to illness.

"I’m not important because I am not productive."

This is probably one of the most damaging things that anyone, unwell or not, can take for or mislead themselves into believing is a fact.

Your worth does not nor never will depend on how productive you are in this current temporary moment in time. 

This is something I have struggled with and still are to this day, however I no longer take it for fact.

I attend a drama group, as some of you may know. I attended it as a little girl and recently in September '13, restarted. I suffer from awful social anxiety so I am simply trying to boost my confidence through that, it's working, I am surrounded by beautiful people there. Yet I am still very shy in big groups and due to my illness (which makes me lethargic) I tend to be sometimes overwhelmed and overshadowed by the vibrant personalities there.

However due to my horrific illness relapse (in which I ended up admitted and in A&E many-a times over Christmas and NY) I was unable to properly partake in their Janurary production. I spent a huge amount of my time Decemember until about Feburary beating myself up mentally. I felt unimportant for not taking part as much as I originally thought I was going to be. Like I let people and myself down. I turned up to almost every single production (a week after hospital) in production week to at least be present and feel active. I was only in about 3 or so minutes including every performance overall, the rest of my time I spent sitting backstage or standing around trying to help. 
My lack of productivity made me feel unimportant.
This happened again the other day, my drama group decided to do a mock of Strictly Come Dancing and I was originally meant to be in it however as it's full on dancing, I was avised not to. I'm glad I didn't, it looked exhausting.
However I turned up, helped out backstage a bit.
I was dreading a repeat of emotions from Janurary when I felt awful for barely taking part, and I did feel those emotions all over again. It sucked and myself self-hatred down-spiralled.

And that's when I realised.

I had taken part. I had come up with a main idea for one of the main group dances, many of my opinions and ideas had made it into the final performance. The fact that I was physically unable to take part due to disability doesn't mean i had been any less productive or less important.
I was productive, I tried my best. I mattered.

A year ago I wouldn't have attempted to even try.

Producitivity, whether it be writing a small blog post, reading, painting your nails, texting a friend briefly. The smallest things are they key to help recovery, whether you demons be mental or physical.



Every productive action counts and please don't ever beat yourself up because by your standards it's small; trust me I set incredibly high standards for myself. So much so that I don't even bother to be productive sometimes because I know I won't reach my standards. Try and fail, but don't fail to try.

But whatever you do, it counts. Congratulate yourself because you are productive in every way. I promise.

You opened the curtains today? Great.

You walked down the stairs today? Incredible.

You put your slippers on? Even better, there's the ambition to try get up.

You sorted out those dreaded emails and bills? Amazing, gurl you're frickin' on fire.

You are doing well, sometimes you need someone to say it, so I will. Say it to other's as well, congratulate them on their achievements.

You are doing it, even how hard it maybe, you are doing it.

So keep doing things, keep doing every day life. Work with what you have, build a foundation. Keep building that foundation even when it gets knocked down many-a-time. Keep at it. When you feel it falling down again, read this again, I probably will too.

It feels good to get some stuff done. "Simple is good" - Jim Henson.

I feel that too many people spend too much time trying to perfect something before they actually do it. Instead of waiting for your ideal perfection, being healthy, life going your way again etc. 

Run with what you've got and fix what you can as you go. 



*just had to edit some spelling mistakes whoops*

Update

Apologies for being so distant in the blogging world. That's if anyone noticed my lack of blogging of course, which I doubt they did.

I have many a post planned and frankly I wish I could get my act together and write them all.
However many an obstacle stand in my way, 60% which are in my head I think.  

I can admit I am not officially diagnosed (yet, I am finally building the courage to get help) although I am on medication for both depression and anxiety, they are destroying my motivation and want to blog. Mainly my motivation to lead a normal everyday life; my depression is making my life quite grey and making me want to make no effort to leave my room. Which is particularly frustrating.
I shall write a further post on this at some point, but my mind has very much turned me into a Negative Nancy.

I convince myself that my blog is awful, pointless and very worthless and unfortunately my mind makes me become distant. It's a huge reason why I never answer positive feedback, I feel like I'm not worth it.
I am trying to change this because gosh I love writing and creating with words.

I shall not let my mind ruin my blog.

I just wanted to get this out there so those can at least try to understand my distant nature currently. I feel a little hopeless but I'll be on my feet again soon.

I'm incredibly stressed out about College (which starts Monday). The College is giving me a lot of hassle over my illnesses. A Sigmoidoscopy on Tuesday which I have to prepare for Sunday onwards, which will be painful. 

I am in a lot of pain, especially abdominal and nerve due to my recent adventures and due to be in even more next week; so apologies in advanced for being so negative. Especially posting no Pick Me Up this week.

I am so sorry for the negativity in this post, I don't like being negative on my blog at all. I want to spread good and happy vibes always.

I love you all and hope you are in the best of health.

Speak soon Sunshines,

Poppy x